As promised... I still think it's corny, but oh well, I had fun, ha ha!
'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
the AC was running 'cause we live in the South.
The stockings were hung by the windows with care.
Hope Santa don't find them, they need some fresh air.
The children were plastered with sweat to their beds
While visions of cold lakes danced in their heads.
And Mama in her bikini and I in my speedo
We settled out brains while watching Jay Leno.
When out in the kitchen there arose such a clatter.
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the fridge I flew like a flash.
Tore open the freezer and saw more ice crash.
The moon on the deck all covered with straw.
I saw three deer and heard a crow's caw.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
A gigantic sleigh pulled by 4 John Deere.
With a heavy old driver a thunder and crack.
I smacked my forehead, I knew it was Jack.
Louder and Louder his tractors they came
He cursed and he shouted and hollered the same.
"Aww come on you pieces of trash. Go! I'm fixen
to tear you a new one and take you to Dixon!"
To the top of the dell to the top of the hill!
Roll away, roll away, watch out for Jill!"
As dry clay before the wind blows,
I saw them take flight, to where God only knows.
So past the tree tops and hillside they flew,
There went the sleigh and even Jack too.
And then in a moment I heard a loud jingle.
On top of my house stood old Kris Kringle.
Down the chimney he flew with a crash,
He covered the room and kitchen with ash.
A bundle of what-nots and things on his back.
He opened his sack, even that was black.
His bald head did shine and sparkle by light.
His face was all red from the suntan he had.
He laughed and laughed, I thought he was mad.
His mouth drew up to curl with a smile.
I wondered if he might stop and stay for a while
I offered him a smoke from grampa's old pipe.
The tobacco, it burned, but boy was it ripe.
He had a broad face and a fat big ol' belly.
It jiggled and wiggled like marmalade jelly.
I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.
A shake of his nose and a jerk of his thumb
Told me I could go back to bed and play dumb.
He went straight to work with a clothes pin attached.
He filled the old stockings with all kinds of snacks.
He bowed ever so slightly and gave up a nod.
In a poof he vanished leaving only fresh sod.
I heard him shout out, "My God it is hot!"
Then he bellowed and cried:
"Merry Christmas All Y'all and to all a Good night!"
