What Are You Doing Right Now
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So my fiance most likely wants kids. If I had some kind of guarantee (which no one ever does) that my child would have a full life I would probably be on board, but I have crippling anxiety about being responsible for a human life in the world we live in. I've had small conversations about this here and there with some ML peeps. I'm not a very vulnerable person in general, mostly because of bullying in my life, but a child is the one thing that I would never be able to push out. That is the height of vulnerability IMO. Kids with cancer scares the hell out of me and I'm not even a parent yet.I just don't know how I can reconcile the risks associated with having a kid because you can do everything right and still lose your child--something I don't think I'd ever recover from honestly. Thoughts from ML dads (and everyone else)?
Interested to hear @coliver 's opinion especially since he just became a Dad.
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@wirestyle22 there is no simple answer there, there is no way for there to be. Every day as a dad is very scary. But think about it in the opposite way... would you want to not fall in love for fear of them leaving you? Clearly you made the choice of taking that risk because loving and losing is better than not loving at all. Same with kids, but even moreso. Every kid you don't have is one you never have.
At the end of the day, it's a personal decision of course. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with not having kids. That's a perfectly valid choice. But think of it this way, the more than you fear something going wrong with your kids, the more that that means you would appreciate having had them.
I know friends with kids with severe health problems, and don't know any that regret the decision to have them.
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And, of course, as a dad, there is nothing as great as being a parent. My kids are my best friends, we have so much fun together and spend all of our time together. I've never found anything remotely as rewarding as being a dad.
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@scottalanmiller said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@thanksajdotcom said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@Reid-Cooper said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@thanksajdotcom said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
I just wish I still had a proper suit with all the amenities.
Amenities?
Proper dress shoes, my tie clips (I used to have a small but nice collection), long and dark socks, etc.
Maybe accoutrements then
I used to own over 100 ties. I had quite a collection. My best friend in Texas has a bunch of them now.
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@scottalanmiller I understand your points. The risk of getting into a relationship with someone to me is so much lower. It's like playing roulette. In a relationship you put down $1000. If you lose, it sucks. If you win, it's great. Having a child is like putting your entire savings down and if you lose, your life is over. I know this sounds dramatic but I actually don't understand how a person can recover from losing a child. It's one of the worst things I can think of. Scares the hell out of me.
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@wirestyle22 Being a parent is frightening, overwhelming, and amazing. I watched my then six year old fall from a tree and break her arm. I still can't watch her climb trees. It freaks me out, and I relive that moment every time. But I wouldn't trade her for anything. Parenting is hard, but if you're willing to put your fiance first and then your kids over everything else (especially the job), it will be more rewarding than anything else you have ever done.
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@Kelly I don't doubt the reward. It's not even a responsibility thing for me anymore. I think I will sit inside and worry constantly. I worry now about a fictional child, look at this situation. It's sad lol. I know how much I would love it and that scares the hell out of me. I don't know where to go with that kind of a feeling.
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@wirestyle22 Don't not do something just because you're scarred, ever! Especially kids! The one and only thing that me and my wife regretted was her inability to have children. Yes, tragedies do happen, but they're the vast minority.
Most things, like cancer, are also totally treatable without the insanity the US puts people through. Mexico (yeah, seems crazy I know) chrisbeatcancer.com story. It's all about what you know, and you're hooked into some good places to find out.
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@Kelly said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@wirestyle22 Being a parent is frightening, overwhelming, and amazing. I watched my then six year old fall from a tree and break her arm. I still can't watch her climb trees. It freaks me out, and I relive that moment every time. But I wouldn't trade her for anything. Parenting is hard, but if you're willing to put your fiance first and then your kids over everything else (especially the job), it will be more rewarding than anything else you have ever done.
Mine fell out of a tree, and whil;e she didn't break her arm, she fell about 2 inches away from one of our yard light stakes, which would have been bad.
It still scares the hell out of me, but I let her climb trees. I was raised to never climb the tree again, and that's 180 degrees opposie of what I want to teach my kids.
I hear you though. Trees!
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@travisdh1 I think ultimately it will come down to whether or not I take the leap. I'm obsessively thinking about it right now.
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Another big family BBQ
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I think as a parent I had more (after he wasn't little anymore). I want to kill him moments than anything else
right @Mike-Ralston ? -
@wirestyle22 When I was born I was given just a few hours to live. My parents took some very risky, and at the time experimental, steps via surgery to extend my life a few days. I went through an 8 hour surgery when I was just a few hours old. My parents didn't know if I was going to live or not, even if the surgery was successful they were warned that I probably wouldn't live much past 3 or 4.
I never wanted to go through what my parents went through. So when we got pregnant I never became very attached, she never seemed real to me. It wasn't until I watched her being born that I started to fall in love. It's really an amazing feeling something unlike anything else, it's not like loving your partner at all something much different but equally rewarding.
I'll echo @scottalanmiller and my parents. I would much rather experience this feeling then not having known it existed. (Isn't there a Shakespear quote for this?)
As an aside you should look into the effects of pregnancy on the brain chemistry of both the mother and father it is truly fascinating.
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I was in the same boat as you. Petrified of having kids. What if I wasn't a good dad? What if something was wrong with the kid? What if, what if? But do you know what "What If" implies? "I can't." And I knew I could.
The night before my wife and I were starting on the journey, I asked my mom how my dad knew he was ready. She said he was never really ready, but from the day I was born, I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
And that's when I decided to just trust that everything would be OK, and I've never looked back.
There's a lot of sacrifice, and heartbreak, and everything, but as many have echoed here, it's probably the best thing that will ever happen to you.
Go with your gut.
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@BRRABill said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
What if I wasn't a good dad?
Everyone has this question rattling around in their head when their partner is pregnant. I got some really good advice from my grandfather (who just turned 92, and a father of 8 ). He said, "The fact that you are asking that question should give you all the answer you need."
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@wirestyle22 Coming at this another way, if you feel like your fear would be crippling, have you considered doing some counseling to deal with the fear?
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Seriously though there is always fear when you are responsible for someone else. But the love and joy and other rewards are pretty awesome. As much as I have wanted to choke and kill my kid from time to time (he is 18 now). He is one of my best friends and I wouldn't trade all the bad stuff that came with him for anything. And not to revel anything but the bad for us was really bad at one point in time.
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@travisdh1 said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@wirestyle22 Don't not do something just because you're scarred, ever! Especially kids! The one and only thing that me and my wife regretted was her inability to have children. Yes, tragedies do happen, but they're the vast minority.
Most things, like cancer, are also totally treatable without the insanity the US puts people through. Mexico (yeah, seems crazy I know) chrisbeatcancer.com story. It's all about what you know, and you're hooked into some good places to find out.
We get our kids healthcare outside of the US as well. Cheap, easy and better.
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@scottalanmiller said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@travisdh1 said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@wirestyle22 Don't not do something just because you're scarred, ever! Especially kids! The one and only thing that me and my wife regretted was her inability to have children. Yes, tragedies do happen, but they're the vast minority.
Most things, like cancer, are also totally treatable without the insanity the US puts people through. Mexico (yeah, seems crazy I know) chrisbeatcancer.com story. It's all about what you know, and you're hooked into some good places to find out.
We get our kids healthcare outside of the US as well. Cheap, easy and better.
I'll try not to open this can of worms again other than to say: Good for you.
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There are going to be some rough times. My daughter cried for basically the first 7 days of her life. It was really rough for my wife and I, but we soldiered on and a few weeks later she was smiling at us and cooing. The first smile she gave me was worth the days of crying.
